TO BE OR NOT TO BE

During an interaction recently, I asked a question ‘What would they do if their friend was copying in an exam and the teacher did not notice?’

This was to explore moral awareness among participants. Most of the children thought they would speak to the friend after the exam and not report it, or they would not want to hurt the friend and may report if the friend repeats it. This exercise got me nostalgic as I remembered allowing my friend to copy during a tutorial. I had no choice, we were together since first grade and a stupid tutorial cannot stand between our friendships. But was I right?

The dilemma to make the right choice starts as we realize that we have choices. We learn to choose between birthday parties to our dresses. Then it gets complex. The students are divided into potters and non-potters depending on if they adore Harry Potter books or not.

Years later I know that there is no right or wrong choice but only appropriate choice. Very recently many of us shunned Sreesanth when he was accused of match-fixing, but we are confused when faced with simple situations regarding simple moral values. What is it that stops us? Is it the fear of being called a “teacher’s pet” or “untrustworthy”?

We all believe in moral values but deep down this fear holds us back from following the path based on our values. Freedom from such attributes would be freedom in true sense.

HOW TO BE AN IDEAL PARENT

Perfection is the price we pay for evolution.  We are all constantly striving to improvise in the diverse roles we play. The role of parents has changed with time. Our grandparents were the homely lot who were around us most of the times. They were always available to hear us out. Today, due to the increased responsibility and the rapid change in the society, in the economy, and in our belief system, parents have become busy with earning for the families, paying for their children’s needs and providing them with the best and luxurious life.

The challenge today is to carve responsible and compassionate individuals out of our little cute ones. The prime responsibility of raising and disciplining the children stays largely with Parents. To get the point across with children requires effective and skilful interaction.  Parents desperately want to build rapport with their children, while children are lost in their friends or gadgets and are happy with minimal need based communication. So the first thing the parents have to do is to get tacky and techno savvy. Talk the same language, more likely you would get along. Believe me these gadgets are not as scary as they appear and if you spend some time with them you get the hang of it. Another possibility is discovering some common interests with your child like sports, fashion etc.  Also doing things together with the child gets you in their good books. It could be cooking a special dish, helping in their craft work or typing their school assignments for them.  Gradually the conversation will drift from brief question and answer sessions to a friendly chat. The depth of the conversation can be navigated accordingly.  If you share your little childhood secrets, the child may also do the same.

Availability is an important factor in getting closer and an important constraint in case of working parents. The child should be told about your work schedule and in which manner the child can contact you if needed. This helps in building trust and confidence. The child will usually wait to share with you. Deadlines with respect to your children need to be observed strictly. The key to being a perfect parent lies in setting the priorities right.

Discipline still is needed. If you get too friendly the children tend to take the advice lightly. If you nag anyway they show defiance. The trick here is correct balance.  Be firm and communicate your expectations regarding issues like use of mobile at night, appropriate clothing, and internet access.  Avoid too many ‘NO’s in day to day handling of children. But stick to your rules once they are laid.   In younger children it is easier to set limits and gently cajole them into following them. But as they get older, it gets difficult. Arguments and constant comparisons with peers may make you lose the edge.  Remember the moment you get angry you have lost all you gained with numerous rapport building exercises. The mantra is to bargain and set the rules with mutual consent.  Be flexible sometimes and set a grey zone to lower your own stress levels.

Also it is imperative that you stay in control. You cannot afford sudden outbursts even if you are furious.  Usually it scares a child and if this behaviour is too often the children learn to ignore this unpleasant occurrence. Best is to take time out before the situation gets out of control.  Remember the children are like little monkeys and all they do is to ‘APE’  our behaviour. We need to be better behaved if we want our kids to do the same.

It is important to notice and try to change the unacceptable behaviour early. Discuss with your family or friends and make sure that every adult is more or less communicating the same message regarding acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.  Also we need to keep in mind that behavioural problems could be secondary to an underlying condition like hyperactivity, autism, learning problems etc. So the sooner we accept the more likely we will respond to the needs and cause of the behaviour. Observe for a while and seek professional help with a counsellor if needed. Counselling is usually centred on understanding the child and environment responsible for behavioural concerns.

Happy parenting … all the best!!!